By Noelle Sterne

Do you find yourself too often shaking your fist at God and asking, “When, oh when? When will I finally get published or called back? When will I have enough money to quit my day job and write or paint or design or dance full-time? When will I meet someone who will support me in the creating I must do?” The answer to all such questions may seem illogical at best and barely palatable at worst – but it’s simple.

The squirming truth

Each of us, no matter how dire, sad, or frustrating our circumstances, is where we want to be, where we need to be.

This means that everything in our lives is connected. Every experience comes to teach us so we can make better choices. If we don’t learn, we repeat the experience (as you may have noticed) in different guises. If we keep setting the toaster to extra dark, we’ll keep burning most pieces. If we keep setting the alarm to sleep until the last possible moment, we’ll continue that daily frenzied rush to get to work. If we keep going to auditions without continuous practice and study in acting, we’ll keep getting more silent phones than callbacks.

You may chafe at this apparent unfairness. When I get too exasperated and feel tempted to rail again at God, I return to a poem discovered during one of those black periods. It’s called "No Other Way":

Could we but see the pattern of our days,

We should discern how devious were the ways

By which we came to this, the present time …

We should forget the hurts, the wanderings, the fears,

The wastelands of our life, and know

That we could come no other way or grow

Into our good without these steps our feet

Found hard to take, our faith found hard to meet.[i]

Look hard at the last three lines. Whatever has cropped up in our lives, however hard it is to take, it’s supposed to be here. We can stamp our feet, curse, and fling around doing our tasks with resentment – or make another decision.

This is to accept what’s in front of us with grace and gratitude and give it our full attention. Only this way will we learn what we need to so we can get to the next step. And we can make the process easier by recognising another heartening law: none of what we’re experiencing is wasted.

Every experience adds

When I was struggling to write regularly, I had an office job needed for survival, but I secretly felt it was beneath me. I scarcely talked to coworkers, grudgingly performed my work, and found it ever more difficult to show up each morning. Then a friend, more enlightened than I, suggested I approach my job in a new way. I’d never ‘graduate’, she said, until I began to put myself wholly into it. That’s when I would learn as much from it as it had to teach.

A recalcitrant student, I nevertheless followed my friend’s advice, and the job became more bearable. Looking back, I see how much of what I learned in that office I use today. My typing and computer skills became honed, making my editing and writing immeasurably more proficient. My ability to interact with people improved; so I could more easily talk about my writing and eventually attract new business. Seeing the boss put in long hours after 5 o’clock spurred my discipline to write after a day’s work; so I became more motivated to write more. That disdained office job taught me some of the most crucial things I had to learn to get closer to my dream.

I could cite many other examples, from famous to unfamous but highly successful people of all kinds. They’ve got one thing in common: their delays, mistakes, and apparent wrong turns turned out to be precisely the right preparation for what they later needed and wanted to do. Spiritual teacher Catherine Ponder wisely counsels:

“Everything moves in cycles, both in time and space. Regardless of the number of breaks that appear in the lines of your life, growth is taking place. Never fight the darkness because through it, growth takes place. The more light you turn on in your life, the quicker will be your growth.”[ii]

Your turn

Now it’s your turn. Take a look at some of the distasteful things you’ve felt forced to do, situations you couldn’t get out of, or ‘mistakes’ you’ve made. What have they given you that you’ve used or are using now, especially in your creative endeavours?

If you’re resisting the idea of the overlap between a day job and an evening of following your bliss, open your mind. Wherever you work now – in a restaurant, hotel, office, retail store, school, hospital, or on a ship, plane, or train – look around. Everyone and all environments provide material for your creative work. Overheard conversations and arguments, melodies of hot-dog hawkers, the feeling of wind on your face, rhythmic undulations of standing bus passengers trying to keep their balance. A songwriter I know got the idea for what became a hit as he stared at an ad on the subway.

The great jazz musician Miles Davis said, “Do not fear mistakes. There are none.”[iii] We rarely, if ever, see where the path is leading. Maybe that’s why we fear, shudder, regret, and rage at its turns.

So, instead of resenting your abhorrent present, make friends with it. Instead of rejecting your shameful past, thank it. Recognise the necessity of your repugnant present or unforgiven past, its connection to where you are and yearn to be, and its invaluable lessons. Here’s an exercise to help you.

Your ‘nothing is wasted’ list

1. Allocate 10 to 15 minutes before, after, or between the many activities that occupy you and the diversions that constantly beckon. Sit in a quiet spot with paper and pen.

2. Jot down the events in your life that you consider major. These may include, for example, a childhood move to a new town, the birth of your sister, your parents’ divorce or remarriage, your departure for college, getting a certain job, winning something, losing something, going to a certain event, meeting a certain person, missing a great opportunity, making what you’ve always thought of as a giant ‘mistake’.

What you put down doesn’t have to be momentous or meaningful to anyone else. Sometimes the most trivial moment can be a stupendous turning point. When I did this exercise with a friend, she wrote, “Craving a chocolate bar.” Why? As she ran to a local newsstand to buy a quick pick-up, she literally bumped into the man who propelled her into journalism, a career she’d craved since early adolescence. After the apologies, she discovered he was the editor of a city newspaper, and his encouragement led her to go to journalism school. When she graduated, she looked him up, and he promptly gave her a freelance assignment. She later became the feature editor on his paper.

3. When you’ve got a good list down, look at it. It doesn’t have to chronicle everything. Now that you’ve opened the door, you’ll very likely think of more things later.

4. Take a deep breath and really look at your list. Ask your mind to reveal the connections. Sometimes they’ll be prompted by thinking of a relatively recent event or outcome and asking yourself, ‘How did I get there?’

5. Free associate. As you quietly listen to yourself, you’ll start to see things: ‘If I hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have encountered that. If I hadn’t missed the train, I wouldn’t have met Ann. If I’d taken that job, I wouldn’t have had to develop my letter-writing skills, and I wouldn’t be writing a novel-in-letter-form now.’

6. Start numbering the items in their connective sequences. For some, the connections will be instantly obvious, like my office job to computer skills. For others, you may not immediately see the line, but as you keep looking at your list, your mind will give you more links. You’ll also begin to see obvious groupings of events – the windshield sticker with the name of a college that led to your finding the perfect course that led to your professional certificate that led to a great job that led to meeting the person you married.

7. Put your list away in a private place. No one else has to see it to question, deride, laugh, or pull it apart.

8. In a day or two, revisit the list. Many more insights will come, and you’ll uncover more relationships.

9. Acknowledge these. They’ll help you see, again, that no experience is wasted. Each experience prepares us for the next and is absolutely necessary for our growth.

10. Finally, with your new knowledge and recognition, forgive yourself for all those past ‘wastelands’. Even if you think you’re not ready to stop blaming yourself, just try it: ‘I forgive myself. No mistakes. Nothing is wasted.’ Repeat and repeat.

Sooner or later, as you keep saying these words, slivers of self-absolution will peek through. You’ll feel lighter and more energised. You may even feel jolts of inexplicable happiness.

Now you’ll look at your past anew and truly thank it. You’ll discover its blessings and use its richness in your creative works. You’ll feel more buoyant about your present, even embrace it. And you’ll know beyond all self-recrimination or doubt that nothing is wasted.

Writer, editor, writing coach, and consultant, Noelle Sterne writes for mainstream and writers’ publications. She is currently completing her handbook of practical spirituality, Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams.

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